When I wrote about my embarrassing moments I found that I had many more! Plus many of my friends have stopped calling me Mme Catastrope, they now talk about Calamity Jane. Not far from the truth!
Like the time when I woke up with a throbbing head and my husband turned to me and said “That’s another letter of apology you have to write” I asked why he said “ Lizzie and wigs”. I groaned as I remembered what had happened the night before. Actually it was the day before when I was invited to a hairdressing exhibition. I duly wandered around the stands taking notes.
Then I spotted a hairdresser selling wigs. I had ten minutes of looking at the colours and styles of his products. He handed me a glass of champagne and invited me to try some on. There were so many colours and styles to choose from but I spotted a rather fetching ginger one. I tried it on and it looked wonderful, or so I thought.
My husband and I went to a dinner party, me sporting my new look. According to my long suffering husband my friend Lizzie and I imbibed quite a lot of wine and then decided to do the can-can. It apparently went down well until I fell over losing my wig on the way. I was hauled to my feet and marched home despite the fact that everyone loved our dance. I rang our hostess to apologise and she shrieked with laughter and said she would love me to come again to provide the cabaret!
My friends were amazed that I got married twice and threatened to tell both men about my calamities. I just said to the two chaps that at least they were never bored when married to me!
Husband number two inherited some unexpected money and asked me what sort of holiday I fancied. I immediately said I would love to go on safari. So I booked everything for us, his son and my daughter. We went on a walking safari when you can see more animals than if you were in a noisy land rover.
We had a delicious guide – I would have followed him anywhere. Unfortunately when we set off on the first day he said there were elephants around and if we saw one not to run but to climb an ants nest which are huge enough to take a person perched on the top. This meant that I spent more time looking for an ants nest than for an elephant!
We came to a dried out river bed which had huge elephant foot prints where the animals had crossed over. The guide told us to step onto the prints and we would be safe. He crossed followed by my husband. Now they were both big chaps and got the other side safely.
Then I started, carefully putting my feet on the prints as we were told. Everything was fine but when I came to use the third and fourth prints I started to sink lower and lower. The mud sucked off one of my boots and I started getting hysterical. My husband and guide were falling about laughing and on the other bank our children laughed so hard they had tears rolling down their cheeks.
When I was knee deep in the mud the guide decided he had better get me out. He did and we headed back to the tents. He had said that we should all follow him, we came to a tree which he walked around. I thought I would take a shortcut and walked straight into the most enormous web complete with spider. Not funny.
I limped into the bar covered in mud providing amusement for all. I had two rather large drinks before I too thought it funny.
Alcohol seems to feature in all my disasters but I don’t get tipsy.I mean who knows what I would do? Well apart from the wig episode, and the safari of course plus all the other disasters which only occur to me.
I once had a boyfriend who was a banker and asked me to accompany him to a yearly banquet. It was held in a very grand ballroom with tables for the directors of banks worldwide, all of whom wore black tie. When the starter arrived I realised I needed a pee. I held on through the main course but by the time the dessert arrived I was desperate. Our table was near the doors to the kitchen. So when everyone was chatting away I spotted the head waiter standing in front of said doors.
I quickly went to him and explained my predicament and asked where the ladies loo was. He pointed to the end of the ballroom which meant I would have to walk to the far end passing all the tables.
I told this to him and he said “Just follow me” so I did. I wasn’t quite prepared for galloping at a very fast pace behind my hero, passing all the chefs who stared in amazement. I ignored their open mouths and bulging eyes. Finally we arrived at the staff loo.
Deed done we rushed back through the kitchens. I could hear the end of the speech coming to an end but failed to hear that a toast was proposed. Everyone raised their glasses and said God Save the Queen just as the waiter opened the door and I shot out. More open mouths, as I made my dramatic entrance. My boyfriend was furious, but it wasn’t my fault that the Ladies was so far away.
Just one more time I wished the ground would open and swallow me. My swain promptly dumped me and I don’t blame him at all.
Hey Ho Calamity Jane rules OK?
Jane Buckle
