Avid fans of outstanding comedy were out in full force to cop a look at this – a gig with hero Alfie Moore, a chap who went from Sheffield Steel to Scunthorpe copper, and then, naturally, into stand-up comedy. The endless inspiration for Alfie’s writing comes from nigh on twenty years of fighting Humberside crime and coping (or not) with multifarious felons, mind-bogglingly bizarre incidents, mind-bogglingly quirky colleagues, and lovable, testicle-biting police dogs like the great Zeus (RIP).
Episodes of Alfie’s exhilarating Radio 4 series, It’s A Fair Cop, recorded live around the land, are now recording for series nine. Each show concentrates on policing dilemmas in real-life incidents that arise from particular aspects of the law. A wealth of jokes, fascinating anecdotes and arresting facts tumble forth all along the way, while the audience, involved in interaction at every turn, creates further hilarity of its own. Open-ended questions, multi-choice options, votes, more examples, witty quips and quick ad-libs stimulate responses and suggestions. If they were police officers what would they do at this point and why? And would that be wise? What does the law actually say? We soon learn that next to nothing is clear-cut and that few of us (if any) are cut out to be cops.
Tonight, though, was not a recording night. Instead, affable Alfie was putting a couple of his new scripts on trial. As music by Sting and The Police ended, rapturous cheers erupted from an audience keen to have more Moore, greeting Alfie as he came on as his own warm-up man before proceeding in a disorderly manner to his read-through. It’s initially somewhat discombobulating to have a disembodied voice from the radio turn up onstage with body, beard, dark clothing, glass of water, paper script and microphone, but, yes, it’s the same good-humoured, fun-loving Alfie with the same warm rapport and the same engaging delivery of delightful, thought-provoking comedy that brings startling insights into the complex, hilarious, frightening world of policing.
With right hands raised, the audience gets sworn in as honorary cops with an oath (truncated since earlier days), “You’re nicked, Sunshine!” This being a work in progress, a polished, edited performance was not the aim tonight. Instead, as well as inviting usual input from the audience, Mr Moore asked for advice on his material – what might confuse or offend, what worked, what didn’t – and he welcomed heckles (preferably amusing) that might further inspire him, which some certainly did – and some certainly didn’t. The biggest ask of the Doncaster audience (which, to Moore’s amusement, was of a typical Radio 4 demographic – and then some) was that they should all pretend to be from Brighton. Luckily, Northerners will do ‘owt for a laugh, even attempt to turn pasty chalk into tasty cheese.
Script one involved Free Speech, which covers hate crime and non-crime hate, so if you hope for clarity plod on! Is it hate crime, for example, to roll your eyes and tut at two men holding hands in their own garden? What about serial tutting and repeated eye-rolling? Or are these just airy-fairy accusations with no teeth? What about the implications of comparing pasty chalk to tasty cheese? And so on. Endless cans of worms open up, spilling out questions on religion, gender, racism, misogyny and ageism, some prised ever wider by audience members. Script two centred on Citizen’s Arrests and the slip-ups, trip-ups and unforeseen confusions and accusations that can arise. As more cans of worms open up, officers head off to fight over beanbags in the station’s Well-being Room and chill in front of plasma-screen fishes.
As his honed and edited radio episodes take shape, Alfie is touring Radio Warm-up and A Face for Radio over the next several months. Caution: each will warrant criminal amounts of laughter and merriment, and possibly the odd bit of tutting.
Eileen Caiger Gray
