Brit drivers want their sat-nav to speak with a Geordie accent

Way ay, man! Or rather, you're going the wrong way ay, man. If Britain's drivers had their way, our sat navs would be speaking to us with Geordie accents. You'd be driving down to the shops and thinking that you were listening to I'm a Celebrity or Big Brother.

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Somewhere in Whitehall ...

“So what is it this time? Are we going to run out of petrol by lunchtime? Has the price of apples gone bananas? Is some busybody complaining about me employing my grandfather as a research assistant, God rest his soul.”

 

Mature Times editor Tony Watts listens in on a conversation at the Ministry. 

Only in America…

What is it about America? I know we have some odd laws and regulations over here, but these are still (supposedly) still on the statute books in various states, counties and towns over the pond…

Don't ring us...

You settle down in your favourite armchair, raise a glass to your lips and... "bring, bring"... it's your favourite evening caller... someone with an inpenetrable accent trying to sell you something you really, really don't want.

Wit and wisdom

"We spend our lives on the run. We get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work, and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock."

Essential knowledge for your survival

Once you have enough food to fill your stomach, clothes to keep you warm and dry and a roof over your head, you will need some essential information to ensure you survive until the following day - such as:

 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Don't make me laugh

A memo from South Gloucestershire’s personnel chief, sent to 10,000 members of the council’s staff warns that: “Even sending a birthday card that says colleagues are ‘over the hill and past it’ could be taken as ageist behaviour.” You couldn't make it up if you tried.

Grey and with child

I don’t know about you, writes Mature Times Editor Tony Watts, but I’m getting worried about all this talk of people having children into their 50s, 60s and even beyond.

Over the hill... and far away

Council workers are now being warned against sending “ageist” birthday cards to their colleagues. Is this the end of mocking birthday greetings as we know them? Mature Times editor Tony Watts takes a sideways look at the implications.