Mature Times - Humour

I can't forget children's TV - as much as I try

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 10:30:28 +0100

Being a mother of six - at the final count - I suffered more than my share of Children’s TV for my sins. If children keep you young, then this must be what aged me.

Hands up for naturists

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 11:18:11 +0100

Reading the article on The Strange World of Meetings" I was reminded that many years ago, before all the skin cancer scares started, I used to belong to a naturist club ...

The strange world of meetings

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 11:22:20 +0100

Imagine what it would be like to be propelled into another dimension. A peculiar, almost magical, place with strange rituals that warp the known conventions of space and time. You don’t have to go to outer space, says Martin Worth: just volunteer to serve on a committee!

Calling all P and PCs ... or "can you dish it out?"

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 12:07:17 +0100

I’m thinking of starting a brand new Club. The P and PCs Club. This has nothing to do with Police, Police Constables or computers, so stop guessing and read on.

WANTED: For crimes against his own health

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 10:40:21 +0100

What man would you like to put in the dock charged with crimes against his own health? Well, this is your chance to choose as part of a national vote to celebrate Men's Health Week starting 9th June.

Your potty, phonetic alphabets!

Tue, 20 May 2008 15:49:12 +0100

Last month we asked readers to write in with their suggestions for a new phonetic alphabet, and have been delighted at the responses - many of which had a distinct "physical ailments" theme!

Has the world gone mad - or is it me?

Thu, 08 May 2008 11:49:36 +0100

Do we now live in one of Stephen Hawkins' dimensions where common sense and helpfulness have been edited out?

The best health advice: ignore the experts

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 09:08:53 +0100

What are all these so-called experts rabbiting on about? Steak is simply nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Chocolate comes from healthy cocoa beans and round is as good a shape as any other to be in.

I just want a passport - not to activate the Fourth Reich

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:11:27 +0100

"You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there?" Are you fed up with bureaucracy? Hacked off with senseless form filling and question answering? Mature Times readers may resonate with this missive from "An Irate British Citizen..."

What's in a name?

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 15:58:54 +0100

My GP always refers to me as, "Next-Please" and I must say there are quite a few of that moniker living in London.

Why the difference?

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 08:16:34 +0100

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. But what happens next?

How to feed a pill to a cat....

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 17:25:05 +0000

...retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later...

What a shower!

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 17:22:44 +0000

Showers in hotels and guest-houses are the hotelier’s revenge on the world. Once you accept this simple fact, you can get on with trying to make the best of, what is all too often, a diabolical situation. For the uninitiated, here are some simple rules.

Dial 'M' for Mammogram

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 16:29:28 +0000

"Get your sagging Saga holiday ass over there with the others and wait. By the way, they sunk the Rainbow Warrior. Did no-one tell you?”

Just how dumb can people be?

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 09:29:51 +0000

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

University Challenge Contestant: Homosexuals.

Paxman: Er ... no. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

These and many more howlers... courtesy of the Durham & Northumberland Retired Members' Association.