Mature Times - Humour

Only in America...

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 16:24:13 +0000

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

The USA, as we know, is the most powerful nation on Earth. And its legal system is full of some of its very brightest people. Or is it? Gleaned from the internet, here are some things that have really been said in American courtrooms. Really ...

Financial crisis leads to run on bad puns

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 09:37:53 +0100

The financial crisis has led to some black humour appearing on the internet. According to one email doing the rounds, in the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Brit drivers want their sat-nav to speak with a Geordie accent

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 16:30:57 +0100

Way ay, man! Or rather, you're going the wrong way ay, man. If Britain's drivers had their way, our sat navs would be speaking to us with Geordie accents. You'd be driving down to the shops and thinking that you were listening to I'm a Celebrity or Big Brother. What's going on? asks Mature Times editor Tony Watts.

Somewhere in Whitehall ...

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 17:01:23 +0100

“So what is it this time? Are we going to run out of petrol by lunchtime? Has the price of apples gone bananas? Is some busybody complaining about me employing my grandfather as a research assistant, God rest his soul.”

Mature Times editor Tony Watts listens in on a conversation at the Ministry.

Only in America…

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:23:48 +0000

What is it about America? I know we have some odd laws and regulations over here, but these are still (supposedly) still on the statute books in various states, counties and towns over the pond…

Don't ring us...

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 14:13:43 +0100

You settle down in your favourite armchair, raise a glass to your lips and... "bring, bring"... it's your favourite evening caller... someone with an inpenetrable accent trying to sell you something you really, really don't want.

Wit and wisdom

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 16:17:31 +0000

"We spend our lives on the run. We get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work, and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock."

Essential knowledge for your survival

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 10:06:09 +0000

Once you have enough food to fill your stomach, clothes to keep you warm and dry and a roof over your head, you will need some essential information to ensure you survive until the following day - such as:

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Don't make me laugh

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 11:29:02 +0000

A memo from South Gloucestershire’s personnel chief, sent to 10,000 members of the council’s staff warns that: “Even sending a birthday card that says colleagues are ‘over the hill and past it’ could be taken as ageist behaviour.” You couldn't make it up if you tried.

Grey and with child

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 15:25:53 +0000

I don’t know about you, writes Mature Times Editor Tony Watts, but I’m getting worried about all this talk of people having children into their 50s, 60s and even beyond.

Over the hill... and far away

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 12:38:29 +0000

Council workers are now being warned against sending “ageist” birthday cards to their colleagues. Is this the end of mocking birthday greetings as we know them? Mature Times editor Tony Watts takes a sideways look at the implications.