Calling all P and PCs ... or "can you dish it out?"

By Dilys Griffiths - 17/06/2008

I’m thinking of starting a brand new Club.  The P and PCs Club. This has nothing to do with Police, Police Constables or computers, so stop guessing and read on.

To qualify you have to like starting your day by consuming a plateful of fairly stiff hot porridge, decorated with a couple of tinned prunes.  Using this simple equipment I can promise you a most enjoyable start to your day, as well as discovering depths of self-artistry you have never been aware of, until now.

Start by slapping two or three tablespoons of hot porridge on to the centre of a warmed dinner plate.  Now, gaze carefully at this mound – don’t hang about too long as it’s cooling down fairly rapidly before your very eyes.  (Screw these same eyes up a bit if you’re not a particularly arty sort of person).

I guarantee you will see a face formed in the folds of steaming porridge in front of you. Quickly drain off a couple of prunes and put in place, the eyes. Follow this by maintaining a firm hold on the handle of your spoon whilst applying deft right and left wrist movements, so controlling the bowl of the spoon you will encourage the formation of – a nose! If you are feeling bold and calm a pushing ‘back of the spoon’ movement can produce – hair!

Now comes the big creative bit. Decisively stab the tip of the spoon into the area below the nose. Ah, but how the stab goes in is vitally important. A curved upward groove produces warm, happy feelings; whereas a downward curve denotes misery.  Really it’s all up to you and your mood of the moment I guess.

Finally, cannibalise it! The sheer joy of consuming the sculptured head of your favourite/ hated politician/boss/neighbour etc., is memorable and a sure cure for acid indigestion.

What’s P & PCs? It’s ‘Porridge and Prune Consumers’ of course. Why not join the Club and let us know whose head you ate recently ... and why.