WANTED: For crimes against his own health
04/06/2008
What man would you like to put in the dock charged with crimes against his own health? Well, this is your chance to choose as part of a national vote to celebrate Men's Health Week starting 9th June.
This year during Men's Health Week "man" goes on trail charged with grievous bodily harm against himself. The question is: Is man guilty of exposing himself to heart disease, respiratory disease and other preventable conditions that will see the average man die five years earlier than the average woman? Or is something else to blame - such as genes, the way men are brought up or the way health care services are provided?
The men in the dock ...
We've chosen ten fictitious men (because real ones might sue!). Which of these men should we take into custody?
1. James Bond - 200 a day fag habit, excessive drinking and frequent unprotected sex. Licensed to kill (himself).
2. Spiderman - dangerously tight, sperm-suffocating, non-breathable clothing. Living a lie with his partner which is a recipe for disaster - even when she is Kirsten Dunst.
3. David Brent - hyperactive, workaholic with no self-awareness and an unhealthy attitude to colleagues: 'If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.'
4. Indiana Jones - excessive risk-taking in a constant search for something he can never find, joint-care is shocking for a man of his age.
5. Inspector Morse - what with the boozing, the getting hung-up on spelling and the almost Hitlerian obsession with Wagner, Morse had more baggage than Heathrow and died prematurely of untreated diabetes.
6. Sherlock Holmes - several anti-social habits including pipe- smoking, morphine, cocaine and violin-playing. Plus nobody likes a smart-arse.
7. Phil Mitchell - ex-alcoholic (!) with a seemingly insatiable thirst for trouble and barmaids. (At least he can't be accused of being a smart-arse.)
8. Rocky - classic case of middle-aged man who just can't resist trying to recreate youthful glories (Rocky we mean - not his creator, of course)
9. Jim Royle - dangerously sedentary life-style and strained finger from excess use of TV remote control. Serious bowel problems which, unlike most men, he is at least prepared to talk about judging by his constant references to 'my arse!'
10. Homer Simpson - yellow skin tone suggests serious jaundice - presumably the result of too much Duff beer. Counselled his son Bart against exercise with the advice: 'when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose. It's how drunk you get.'
The inquisition in the Male Health Forum court-room will be led by president Dr Ian Banks. The judge will be Professor Dame Carol Black, National Director for Health and Work. To register your vote, go to the first website linked below.
Deadline is 6th June.