Ageing - does it make a woman invisible or liberated?

By Jayne Warren - 30/05/2008

Jayne Warren talks to Keren Smedley, author of "Who's That Woman In The Mirror?" - a practical, candid guide through the minefield of often painful and confusing experiences encountered by women in middle age and beyond.

 

She asks Keren, mother of three, a baby boomer and counsellor who runs her own consultancy specialising in age-related issues, about her views on the difficulties women face.

 

Your book deals with a major challenge for many women - how to deal with physical aging in a society which places so much value on youthful looks.

 

"In my experience women can choose how to respond to the widespread myth that 'old means unattractive'. For example, just because society says "thin is attractive", do we really have to play along with it? No - we don't.

 

Buying into ideas of attractiveness is, ultimately, something we end up doing to ourselves. We beat ourselves up for looking older and it is that attitude that makes us 'unattractive'.

 

"The key is recognising what we like about ourselves NOW - rather than what we liked when we were twenty. Learn to relish a face that shows your experiences in life, that reveals your uniqueness - and stop trying to be younger all the time.

 

What about feeling invisible?

 

"Society can only make us invisible as we age if we allow it. If we all walked around with confidence, it wouldn't happen. I went to a restaurant once and a young women and an older woman came in. The older woman was radiant, and everyone looked at her - not the younger woman. When we get dressed up and go out, it's what we are thinking and feeling inside that matters - and its that which actually comes across.

 

"I also think a lot of women just become too passive as they get older, which is why they end up feeling invisible. I was at an airport recently, waiting for a plane which was late - and feeling really grumpy, constantly looking at my watch. I was standing in a group of men in their thirties, who were all chatting to each other and looking at a younger woman. I thought, what can I do to make a difference to this situation, to become visible? All I did was decide I wanted to be seen by them - and suddenly one of them began talking to me.

 

"It's also worth remembering that many young men simply don't know how to talk to older women. They only have experience of their mothers or aunts, so how do they even know how to form a relationship with a woman that doesn't have a sexual element to it? And older women can make it worse by not really talking to them but asking them questions all the time, like "hows the job going?" - they don't just chat to them.

 

"And, hey - the Mrs Robinson thing is REAL! A lot of younger men like older women. A woman in her 50s or 60s, if she is still trim and active - not skinny - can exude a confidence that is very attractive to men of all ages. I suppose my point is that it really is the inside out that matters - not the outisde in."

 

A lot of women find being invisible liberating, though, don't they?

 

"Yes, being less visible IS really liberating - women are seen for what they do, not for what they look like. And that gives you real choice. If you want to dress up and look good, fine, but if you want to just get your head down and work, you can. And you know that you are genuinely liked and valued for what you do - not just because you've got nice legs or large breasts. I've found that many older women really start to enjoy meaningful work as they get older for that very reason."

 

Why do some older women suddenly discover that they are attracted to other women?

 

"Again this is part of feeling liberated. Many women report feeling trapped in heterosexual relationships, unable to be themselves until their children leave home. But when they do, part of 'being yourself' may be also involve exploring different aspects of sexuality.  Another reason is that as many women get older they rediscover the sheer joy of having other women friends: they go out more and join social groups. And other women are invariably better communicators than their male partners, so they experience a real intimacy that they may have lacked in a long heterosexual marriage. It's not necessarily sexual - but can become so if there is a physical attraction as well.

 

What about baby boomers who find themselves single and childless in their forties and fifties - and worry about growing old alone?

 

"There is this persistent fantasy that children are there to look after you in your old age - but that's a bit of a raw deal for the kids isn't it? And what about the many women I know who may not have children but are worn ragged by full-time working and caring for elderly parents?

 

"In my view, no matter what your circumstances, it's time for everyone to start considering how to do 'being older' differently - maybe form communities of like-minded friends, for example. If you're lonely after a partnership break-up - then do something practical about it. Some people like their own company but worry about getting ill, whilst others cling to the fantasy that their children will simply be there for them - the "poor me" syndrome. But I repeat, we ALL have to think about how to do old age differently."

 

Why do some women who become grandmothers in their fifties feel guilty about not liking it, preferring their new-found freedom?

 

"Its back to the 'women have no power' myth. We women are simply expected to 'be there' for other people - this time as grandmothers. But we're not. Its all about managing expectations. Talk to your children about what their expectations are of you as a grandmother, and what yours are of them - and then negotiate. Nowadays many people who become grandparents in their fifties are still in full time work - either by choice or necessity - and so cannot be there as carers. Others just fall into the trap of being an unpaid carer. But if course, while childcare is so expensive, it's easy to see how grandparents can be exploited. Just negotiate and speak out!"

 

Women are now living longer without the 'call' of hormones dominating them. Will this affect the dynamic between men and women?

 

"Its already changed because so many women no longer play the meek and mild role they used to - and with longer lives after the menopause, that dynamic will go on changing.

 

"Whilst the negative aspects of the menopause are well publicised, little is made of the number of women who report a huge energy boost during and after the menopause and start new, dynamic careers - normally just as men are wanting to wind down and stay at home more. Who knows? Maybe in future the traditional gender roles will swap over.

 

"And remember it's not only women who face various crises in later life. Men have similar issues - and it can be even worse. Take a man, say aged 62, who needs to take a day off work to take his elderly parents to hospital. He'll find it very hard to ask, as it can be interpreted as being wimpish or slacking. And if he's surrounded by younger workers, taking the time out might feel as though he is hastening his chances of being laid off.

 

"My next book will address some of these issues for men as well."

 

 

Keren Smedley runs 'Experience Matters' a consultancy specialising in motivating and energising the 50+ to maintain peak performance, with a website facility to answer individual questions.

 

For more information visit the website below, or call 020 8347 6260. Alternatively write to Experience Matters Limited,13 Stanhope Road, Highgate, London, N6 5NE.