Liz Pitman struck a real chord asking where are all the eligible older men were hiding. Here, the men answer back.

As a 52 year-old single man, I am very glad to hear that there is a “surplus” of women in my age group. Unlike many older men, I have no interest in younger women, and usually go out with women of my own age or older.

One of the things I like most about women in this age group is that they are much more realistic about relationships; many of them have been in unhappy marriages for years, and are very happy to be single. I therefore have some difficulty with Liz's emphasis on the search for committed partnerships.

I have never been married, nor have I ever wanted to be, so I suppose I would not fit Liz's fantasy of the suitable older man. However, as I have always been honest about my intentions, I find that many women are intrigued, rather than put off, by an independent man, especially those who have come to regard men as overgrown children (which most of them are, in my opinion).

Further, I would argue that Liz's view of what men seek in women is somewhat one-sided: “...men rarely want a real woman. They look for a dream - the focus is nearly always on physical appearance, with the order of the day being slim; and on age, with a request for a much younger partner.”

Well, women are guilty of this thinking too. Many women advertising in Lonely Hearts and Internet sites specifically say they are looking for tall men, so they are being a little hypocritical in accusing men of obsession with looks. It shows a rare strength of character in a women to go out with a man of the same height, let alone a shorter male.

They could forget about a “meaningful relationship” and concentrate on enjoying whatever male company comes their way, for as long as it lasts. If this means abandoning the idea of monogamy, then so be it. And at the risk of sounding cynical, they might also pay more attention to the man's character and less to his house, car, and the size of his wallet.

David Jones, Rochester

I too have been seeking a partner for several years, mostly with disappointing results. I’m a man of 54. While your imbalance of numbers factor is a key part of the story, I don’t think it works in isolation.

From my experience, widows are now rather swamped by the divorced population on the dating scene. Women here often counterbalance the oft-quoted shortage of men by a fairly recent phenomenon, namely the “ticklist” mindset. This appears to be used far more by women in this age-group than men. The “must-haves” include: must drive, be highly solvent, must not be overweight, must travel abroad and/or attend a gym regularly, etc., etc,....”

I think this inappropriately rigid and rather aggressive approach is souring the scene for the widows whom you mention. It appears partly to derive from a younger generation.

The widows group that you discuss has probably gone along happily in a traditional, mutually-respectful, marriage for some years. Then, abruptly faced with the need to handle life independently, they are then sucked into a more man-disliking, harder feminist, pushy way of acting by closer contact with the post-modernist younger or acrimoniously divorced / separated peer group.

I do think it is very hard for older people starting over again now, both men and women. So much has changed in our society over historically very few years (say since 1980). For example, growth in our knowledge of human sexuality and how to ask for our own personal wants to be met has gone on apace. Widows have often been left out of this, as their own informal “rules” in their marriages may be more set at the outset than needing continual renegotiation over the years.

The objective has often been moved from legal marriage to a “try it and see” satisfying relationship for a while. Hence such close matches of interests and goals are less essential. With less financial dependence and need for security in bringing up children, a more flexible search can work best.

For all of us seeking, I think it is vital to conduct some initial self-appraisal work in ascertaining what we each really want. What is essential, nice to have, so-so or a total “no-no”. Then, perhaps, we can meet each other with that flexible mindset so essential to all negotiations, be they business or, in this case, pleasure.

 Peter Metcalfe, Holland on Sea.

Where are all these lonely older women? I have been looking for the last five years without success.

None of the “lonely ladies” want to get involved with another man. I have a friend who organises many coach trips for a pensioners’ association. Many of his passengers are lone females but none of them wishes to be otherwise. Among my own family and friends it’s the same.

I have been introduced to a number of women who were allegedly looking for a partner but only one was serious. We were not suited. Of the others, one was helpful when I was in hospital and the others just wanted a free meal or an unpaid chauffeur or both. I am well educated, professional and apparently popular in the many organisations of which I am a member so I can’t be that off putting! Perhaps your advertisers in Mature Connections are more serious?

 K Tucker, Weston-Super-Mare