How easy is it to "move on" after domestic abuse in later life?

By Jayne Warren - 06/11/2007

Domestic abuse is no respecter of years - people of all ages and backgrounds are affected. But are there different issues to deal with if you're an older woman trying to escape an abusive partner?

The actual experiences of abuse for older women may be the same (they usually are), but the difference is that at 20, 30 - or even 40 - you still have years ahead of you: dreams of a different future, the possibility of forging healthy relationships or just creating a new and independent life. But what happens when you have to walk away from a man you've been married to for two, three or four decades, with whom you've had kids and shared a whole lifetime of experiences? And, crucially, who knows you so well - down to the last little silly details that mean so much, like personal habits, flaws, fears, physical insecurities and so on? How do you move on and walk away from all that - in effect, your life?

The problems facing older women and domestic violence over a lifetime are very complex. "Better the devil you know" and all the rest of it. Who wants to be in a women's refuge or homeless at 50, 60 or 70? Who is brave enough to lose a treasured family home, a daily routine (however bad), or extended families who may have turned a blind eye, tried to help for decades -  or quietly chosen to "not see" what was happening to you? It takes a huge amount of courage - personally, physically and emotionally.

It isn't easy - in fact it may be one of the hardest things a woman ever has to face. But one brave woman DID move on - and this is her story. Lets call her Brenda:

"My partner started to get abusive when our first child - a boy - was born in 1968. He was jealous, really jealous - although I didn't see it like that at the time. I was just confused. It had to be jealousy because he was fine when our second child was born - a girl. In fact he adored her. And he was alright if he hadn't been drinking, and frankly he had bit of a mental problem as well. He still does, which is why I still feel compassion towards him even now.

"He wasn't so much physically abusive as mentally abusive. Screaming at me and insanely, madly, jealous. He was always accusing me of having other men here all the time - everywhere! I never did have other men, but he was totally obsessed with it.  He'd threaten and accuse me all the time, blocking doorways, nudging me and so on. I walked on eggshells. I hated it, really hated it when it happened. But then, after a specific incident, a bad one, say, I'd sort of forget that it had happened, you know? Funny.

"Then, when my son left home at eighteen my husband suddenly was really 'normal'. We had ten really good years. He was a like a model husband, absolutely wonderful he was - calm, considerate, kind, thoughtful - I could not have wanted for someone better, I really couldn't. Then slowly he changed back again - and I could see it happening. Like I said, it was a disorder he had. A mental one - with a long history behind it all from when he was sixteen. He's like a child, really.

"But anyway, with professional help, I finally left him - and I'm SO glad I did. I got myself a new home, got sorted. He then went like a gyspy, destitute, really hopeless. It was pathetic, really. And heartbreaking to see that in a man you've been with for so long. It hurts, doesn't it? So I still see him on a regular basis - in our different homes -  but the hardest thing is to have boundaries with him. Where do draw the line? I think now, it's MY place, my life - and whilst I still like seeing him I would never want him back in my life again as a husband. But its tough. For instance, I have friends who broke off all contact with their ex-husbands, only to discover that they got cancer and died in six months - and they told me that if they'd known that would happen then they would have acted differently. I understand that. Could I cut him off and then regret it?

"Its been many years, you see. It's a long time with someone. And I wish I was stronger. But I'm not, I suppose. I'd never let him stay here, no way! But, you know, he never said sorry for what he did - he always believed I'd left him for another man. Silly bugger - I never did! His jealousy, obsession and cruelty was just out of control.

"Maybe next year I'll get a divorce, but its hard. I'm now thinking about the future for me: I'd love to do a computer course (I've started already), get back on Friends Reunited . It's taken a long time but I'm finally, and slowly, seeing that I CAN have love for a man who has been a big part of my life, but also draw a boundary around him and his needs and abuse towards me.

"I look forward now, not back. I used to be frightened of him, now I'm just concerned - like a mother."

Do YOU have any stories about what it's like to be older in an abusive relationship? Please let us know. Email: jayne.warren@maturetimes.co.uk.