Kids are coming home to Grandma and Grandpa
06/02/2007
A common saying is that one of the nicest things about being a grandparent is that grandparents get to play with their grandkids and then the grandkids go home. But, not anymore. In fact, more and more grandkids are finding that Grandma and Grandpa's house is home.
Grandparents raising their grandchildren is a phenomenon that started to explode 20-25 years ago. The US Census Bureau found a 76 percent increase in those types of homes from 1970 to 1997.
"Several reasons have been offered for the dramatic increases in grandparents raising and helping to raise their grandchildren," says a Census Bureau report, such as "increasing drug abuse among parents, teen pregnancy, divorce, the rapid rise of single parent households, mental and physical illnesses, AIDS, crime, child abuse and neglect and incarceration are a few."
Marian Samuelson took her grandkids, boys ages 7 and 9, into her Springfield home in late summer. "I always told my daughter that if she ever needed help, I would be here for her," Marian says. "She was having problems, so she took me up on it."
Rules, regulations and brick walls
But it was not simply a matter of agreeing to take the boys in at least temporarily. Instead, Marian found herself in a web of regulations, bureaucracy and red tape. That is because, as soon as those two young boys arrived, they had to be enrolled in school. Marian works the overnight shift at a convenience store. It doesn't pay much. She has no medical insurance through her work. Her grandsons had to be registered for public aid to get reduced-cost lunches at school as well as medical care.
"As a grandparent," Marian says, "I have no rights when it comes to getting birth certificates, or Social Security cards. It has to be a parent or legal representative."
But one early problem was that Marian's daughter did not know where she had put the boys' Social Security cards. They had no birth certificates, either.
"I can't help it that these two boys have irresponsible parents that don't know how to hold onto vital records," Marian said. "I'm just trying to do everything I can to see that these two beautiful boys are taken care of."
But she soon hit a wall. One government clerk would tell her one thing and then another would contradict it or add something.
When dealing with bureaucracy, I suggested to Marian, much depends on which staffer happens to be at the desk when you walk up. Some don't know the rules because of job turnover or because they don't care. Some will go strictly by the book and no deviations allowed. Then there are others who know their stuff and will help with suggestions and shortcuts.
"I didn't get one of those," she told me.
Frustration, fatigue and anger
Normally, Marian gets home at 6:30 or 7 a.m. and sleeps during the day. But this autumn, she had days when she did not sleep at all - she spent her daylight hours driving from government office to government office until they closed. Then she ate dinner and went back to work. Enrolling the boys in school in August was probably the easiest part, though their former school in Peoria dragged its feet about sending their school records to Springfield, resulting in the boys nearly being sent home.
It was the early part of November before Marian received a medical card from the state for her grandsons. Through those three months, she tried hard to shield her frustration and anger from her grandsons. They needed stability and a calm atmosphere, not a frazzled grandmother at the end of her rope.
Most of it was behind her by the time I sat down to talk with her, and she could look back on the last few months philosophically.
"I was trying to do the right thing," Marian said, "but it was like being in a maze, and I'd just go from one office to the other most of the day. I usually took my sister with me to places. She's my calming influence. She'd say, 'Calm down, calm down. We'll get it taken care of.' "
Nobody expects to be still raising kids when their own kids are grown and gone. But it is happening so often that there are a bunch of Web sites springing up that offer assistance and tips - including one called www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com.
Our generation is entering its grandparenting years healthier and with a longer life expectancy than any generation before us. At the same time, too many people in the next couple of generations simply cannot handle their parenting responsibilities.
So, Grandma and Grandpa, get used to it.
Jimmy Deuchars, Grandparents Apart Self Help Group Scotland