Are YOU TMS compatible?
10/12/2006
It's the Ashes, and all over the country couples are displaying some very strange behaviour in the bedroom department. By Stephen Perry.
Are YOU TMS compatible? My wife and I are. No this is not some kind of disease, though it is a bedroom problem. But don’t worry this is not going to turn into one of those sex confession pages so beloved of the weekend supplements. It is serious though and it is driving us apart at night time.
Those who are addicted will know that TMS stands for “Test Match Special”, the ball by ball commentary on BBC Radio. The broadcast really shouldn’t be coming between us as both of us love cricket and avidly follow what is happening in the Test Matches.
The difficulty arises because of our sleeping psyches. My wife adores the commentators and their chatter. Being the Ashes series the BBC has got its first team down under. That means the intelligent Aggers, the arrogant Boykes, comically posh Blowers and house-masterly “CMJ”.
On they go all night long never pausing for a break and my wife finds the buzz of their chatter the most comforting thing after a chocolate muffin. She wants to go to sleep to the team and rouse to the team intermittently during the wee small hours and then awake to the TMS team. It doesn’t matter if England are being thrashed, it’s a stalemate or if Pietersen is putting the Aussies to the sword, it’s all to her a quiet symbol that all is good with the world and it induces a glorious peace of mind.
Now I differ completely. It’s not that I don’t find their commentaries riveting, it is because I do. And it’s also because I care too much about what is happening. When the label says it’s “ball by ball commentary” that’s a signal to me to pay attention to every ball. I fret. Why are the enemy’s wickets falling? Why aren’t we scoring enough runs? And oh no, it’s Calypso Callapso (Blowers' term for a batting collapse).
How am I meant to sleep with all this drama going on? I’m a light sleeper and any unusual noise keeps me awake. I’m also an evening person and there is little I dislike more than being thoroughly woken early in the morning - and early to me is 6:00 am. My wife thinks six am is the best time of the day.
We’ve tried ear phones but that doesn’t work. My loved one can’t lie there and not make the occasional verbal contribution to affairs. It might be a laugh at one of Blowers absurd remarks or a harrumph when Boykes is on one of his rants. This guarantees I can’t sleep. When is she next going to make a noise? I lie there waiting for it. When she does emit an unwelcome expletive what is it that’s happened? Is it important? And I’m wide awake.
The only obvious solution during the winter test match series is to sleep in separate beds and separate rooms. But I don’t like this and anyhow the spare bed isn’t very comfortable compared with our bed. And what about our love life? No, no I promised I wouldn’t get into that smutty stuff.
Oh what are we to do? This is a crisis. Suggestions please! On the other hand don’t bother, I’m off to the spare room now.
Glossary:
Aggers = Jonathan Agnew
Boykes = Geoffrey Boycott
Blowers = Henry Blofeld
CMJ = Christopher Martin-Jenkins